Tag Archives: Toxic

Saying Goodbye to What Doesn’t Serve You

Saying goodbye is never easy. I’m getting on a plane this week and know that every minute of every day, I’m going to miss my Mark, my bed, my morning coffee (made MY way) and my regular rhythm of life.

I will be moving soon (that’s ANOTHER blog post for another day) and I realize that pieces of furniture I’ve LOVED just don’t fit into the new place, so I have to say goodbye.

And my closet? It’s still got that gown from 20 years ago that PERHAPS my thigh could get into, but for pure nostalgia’s sake, I haven’t the wherewithal to say goodbye to it.

DISCLAIMER: I am DELIGHTED that I didn’t say goodbye to my black leather skirt from 2002. Because for the first time since then, I can wear it again! (Go me!)

Then there are the deep and profound goodbyes that are the signposts of moving on; growing into yourself – and settling into your own self worth.

I posted this meme this week and it was widely shared, but one comment struck me: “Easier said than done.”

No one said it would be easy.

Likely, this “getting rid of what doesn’t make you happy” kind of goodbye will rip your guts out. It will leave you heaving in sobs on the floor. It will cause you to question your sanity.

The comfortable ditch of misery will try to call you back – or at least call your judgment into question.

Seeming friends will call you selfish, or worse, cruel for saying goodbye.

Religious types will muse about your departure with head shakes and concerns about fulfilling your holy calling.

Drinking buddies will say, “You don’t have a problem! One glass won’t hurt…”

But you know you must go.

Whether it is a relationship, or a church, or a job, or anything with which (or whom) you have been entangled, there is a breaking point. And you know, for your own sanity; for your well being; for any hope of having a life of peace and joy, you MUST sever this tie.

Some of you are nodding your heads. You’ve been there and come out the other side. I applaud your bravery.

Some of you are teetering on the edge of the diving board, looking that long way down and terrified of jumping.

I get it.

On the three biggest goodbye decisions of my life I teetered for YEARS. I talked myself out of cutting bait because I kept assuming I was wrong; that I was the problem. So I kept working on me.

That’s not a bad thing. In all that working on me, I learned some great things and grew tremendously. (INSERT PRIVATE JOKE: My friend Cindy and I have coined a phrase, “I learned me something…” when we have an aha moment. It is horrible grammar but makes us giggle.)

There came a point where it became pointless to keep working on me.

The boat only goes around in circles if you’re the only one rowing.

Instead, it was time to do something FOR me.

Leaving is hard. But living a life that is unhappy is harder.

In every leaving, there is a rebirth.

You get to create the life you really want…if you are willing to say goodbye to that which no longer serves you.

More on this topic from our Word of the Week, “PURIFICATION” – and a brand new word to sink into for two more weeks:

I’m hopin’…that you’re open.

xoxoxox

Brenda

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Will the Real You Please Rise? (And the New WOW)

In several of my musings this week, I chuckled to think about the many times I reinvented myself. It wasn’t about being the “real me.” It was more like creating the best illusion for survival at the given moment.

Case in point was the summer after I graduated high school.

For me, high school was a year-long disappointment.  I spent most of it being bullied by a group of mean girls and, not having the best coping skills, hid in the nurse’s office, took detours to avoid certain clusters of said gang and basically, tried to be invisible.

In July of 1981, I decided that the Brenda that was going to college would be COMPLETELY different. No one was going to put baby in a corner any longer.

I would be tough! (After all, these people didn’t know me.)

I embraced the new wave/punk rock look – a cross between Pat Benatar and Joan Jett. My hair was spiked sky high, my eyes encased in black…and all I wore was black. Nobody was going to @#$%$ with this version of Brenda.

Oh, and I didn’t smile. I wore an impenetrable poker face and acted like I was cooler than everyone else.

HA!

What a lie!

But it did work for a while. I mean, nobody bullied me; I worked my punk rock niche and found a similar group to hang with…

…but it wasn’t me.

I was still the 18-year-old crying under the covers in my dorm room, just terrified of life.

It has been said that the universe will give you the same scenario (dressed up differently) throughout your life until you finally “get it.”

Fast forward about 15 years later, and once again, I reinvented me to “fit in” – this time in a church setting.  I zeroed in on the leading female, and within a few years, I was the dark-haired version who dressed, talked, thought and acted like her.  Because it was a toxic environment, the few times I dared to offer an original thought, it was twisted to either be further proof of my less than sharp intelligence (I was really told this) or hijacked to become the leader’s idea.  (Yes, warped, I know.)

When it all blew up (and I’ve written about that before) I emerged shattered, but determined to be ME.  Perhaps a me I never fully was before.

This me smiles. Is silly.  Struggles with her weight and her sense of security…but ultimately this is the ME I like.  Actually LOVE.  And I’m learning more about her every day.

Wherever you are on this journey, I hope the real you rises up and that you embrace your authentic, wonderful self.  Because no one else on earth can fill the role you were uniquely designed to live.

Parting thoughts on AUTHENTICITY and a new WOW!  Here we go:

Can’t wait to hear what YOU are wishing for during this QUESTION MARK of a week!

xoxoxoxo

Brenda

 

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