The loss of my father marked my life at age ten, and the ripple effect created – in both good and bad ways – the person I am today.
It made me the kind of person that always makes certain to say “I love you” at the end of a conversation, because I know too well that it could be the last conversation.
When you think about it, though, that’s kind of a macabre cloud that hangs over my life. The “I love you” is tinged with a bit of fear that the rug will be pulled out from under me and I won’t get the chance to say goodbye properly.
Like I didn’t get to with my dad.
Earlier this week on Facebook I wrote about how I’m coming to turns with remaining vestiges of this childhood loss. I see how I have a pattern of protecting myself and cutting opportunities (and people) off, before they get a chance to do it to ME. The fear of loss doesn’t keep me on my tiptoes, gingerly trying to avoid being hurt. It makes everyone else walk on egg shells, because they know I have a low tolerance for anything that resembles a potential rejection or disappointment.
No sirree! “Brenda’s not gonna get hurt again” is the silent mantra that drives me to put up walls; numb feelings – and never fully SURRENDER to love.
I likened it to when records would get scratched and instead of the song playing on, it would get stuck on the same note, over and over and over.
There are grooves in our souls that try to get us to repeat negative patterns; dark or disappointing memories that want to stake a continuing claim to our future selves.
I’m coming to some freeing revelations about how the past needs no longer to shape my future.
I’m letting go in 2019.
As I meditated on this in church last Sunday, I literally had a vision of my beautiful father. And though it wasn’t audible, I felt him say, “I want you to remember the LOVE, not the LOSS.” Oh my, what a perspective shift!
There were only ten years I had with Daddy, but they were so wrapped in an abundance of love! Sacrifices he made; vacations he planned, Mr. Softee ice creams purchased; his huge, calloused hand holding my little one.
We always have a choice. Remember the love, or remember the loss.
Choosing to remember the love is what I believe ultimately heals our hearts, and opens them up to more love.
In our recent focus on SURRENDER, perhaps the greatest “letting go” is of those loss-laden memories in our souls.
More on that and a very special new word, coming right up:
Well, Daddy! How very special of you to encourage me to LIGHTEN UP.
Yes, we can face the depths of our souls, but we don’t have to sink in the process.
Sending you love and light and…